Q. Dear Marcee, I’ve not been so lucky in relationships, that’s how I usually feel.
I recently met an awesome guy and couldn’t help but fall hopelessly in love despite he told me he has a girlfriend. He doesn’t want me to see anyone else and he hasn’t broken up with her. He says I’m not his side chick nor his 2nd girlfriend- but his best friend.
I’m torn between walking away and actually giving him some time, as he has been begging me to. And how my love for him grows daily. I love him and he is exactly my type, but I can’t ask nor hope for him to break up with his girlfriend!
What do you think? ~”Angel”
A. Hi Angel and thanks for writing. Just so we’re on the same page, this is what I think you’re trying to say (so my answer will be based on this):
I’ve been spending lots of time (so much time that I’ve fallen in love) with a guy who has a girlfriend. Although he doesn’t want me to see other people, my official title is best friend.
Hmmm, I can’t remember the last time my best friend asked me to NOT date. Wait, that’s never happened! Because my best friend isn’t selfish. She would want me to have a life outside of her — especially if she has a life outside of me.
This guy wants you to give him all your time even though, he can’t or won’t give you all of his time. He hasn’t committed to you, but he’s making demands on your time????
Men, don’t consider themselves responsible for their actions UNTIL after they’ve committed or made a finite decision. Translation—regardless of what you decide to give him, he won’t take responsibility for the fact that you’re:
- Committed to him
- Waiting around on him
- Growing in love with him, daily
because he was honest with you up front and the only title he gave you was “best friend.” So you’re pretty much on your own, emotionally.
The only decision he’s made at this point is: he likes you enough to string you along just in case he needs you for one thing or another.
But, you have to decide that you’re better than that!!
You are no one’s “fallback” girl! You deserve to be loved and cherished by a man who will stop heaven and hell to make you his one and only. Because that’s what men do.
Don’t believe me?
Have you ever had a guy to chase you down to the point where you were annoyed? He called, texted, and pursued you to no end.
That’s what guys do when they want you. They’re not shy about letting you know how they feel. They don’t want to leave any room for the next guy to come in and take you away—especially if they know you’re interested in them as well.
What you have is a guy who’s taking advantage of your feelings for him by asking that you remain faithful to him—even though he won’t be faithful to you. What you have is a selfish guy… a greedy guy who doesn’t care about your feelings or his girlfriend’s feelings. He’s treating you as an option while expecting you to make him your only option.
But, enough about him.
I’m more concerned as to how you got here. Why have you allowed yourself to fall for someone who is unavailable?
I care deeply for women like you because once upon a time, I was you. And one of the reasons I kept falling for unavailable men was because I valued their happiness more than my own—a sure sign of low self-worth. I gave them what they wanted, with the hopes that they would give me what I wanted (commitment). But it never happened. I wanted to be “nice” to them, while neglecting myself. Eventually, I learned that you can nicely say “no” if what they’re asking for is an insult to your value.
Your job is to do your work, especially if it’s a pattern for you to fall for unavailable men. We’ve all been there as some point in our lives. But that’s no excuse to stay there.
God wants nothing but the best for you, but you have to want it for yourself. He never intended for you to be alone forever, but in order to get His best, you have to become your best.
Get quiet and think about your situation. What circumstance or situation led you to believe that you don’t deserve more? At what point did rejection, abandonment, fear of being alone or fear of being single creep in?
My advice to you or anyone in this situation is to not spend time with anyone who can’t give you what you want: a commitment. The more time you spend with him, the more you’ll fall in love. At that point, you’re responsible for breaking your own heart, because you chose to stick around knowing that he was unavailable.
Now, let’s just say there’s a small chance that I’m wrong about him.
If you really want to know where you stand, cut off any and all benefits that he enjoys from being your “best friend,” then tell him to leave his girlfriend for you. Let me know:
- If he leaves her for you, and if that happens,
- Are you able to trust him?
- Is is he able to fully trust you?
The funny thing about these relationships, is they have a way of creating more problems in the end.
Anyways, I’m rooting for you, my dearest Angel.