Q. My guy friend and I met through a mutual friend. We’ve been “talking” over a year and I really like him because we have a lot in common. I believe he is the man I’ve been praying for. But when I ask him if we’re official or if we will ever take our relationship to the next level, he changes the subject or he say’s “let’s enjoy hanging out.”
He always tells me that I’m free to see other people but, on the weekends, we’re always together. So I’m not sure if he really wants to see other people or if he says that because he’s afraid of commitment. When we’re together, he’s constantly checking his phone and he covers the screen if I’m sitting close to him- but he says he doesn’t have anything to hide. I don’t want to rush him because it may scare him off. My question is, how long should I wait on him to commit? If he really wanted to see other people, why is he always with me?
A. Nothing is more frustrating than waiting on a guy to define a relationship. You spend a lot of time trying to read his mind and wondering how he really feels. His actions say one thing, but his mouth says nothing.
And it’s not fair.
Grown men who have managed to survive school, jobs, and life should be able to clearly communicate how they feel without sending mixed signals. OR, maybe he is sending clear signals but you’re not listening.
Signal no. 1. He changes the subject when you bring up commitment. This is a clear sign that he’s avoiding the conversation because he’s afraid to tell you how he really feels. If he tells you, you may have choose between him being happy: hanging out with no commitment, OR you being happy (with someone else): in a loving, committed relationship that ultimately leads to marriage. I vote for you.
Signal no. 2. He says “you’re free to see other people.” That means he could possibly be seeing other people right now or if the right person comes along, he’d be seeing other people in addition to seeing you. Even if he’s with you on the weekend, he could still find time to squeeze in another date during the week, if he really wanted to. Besides, if he’s checking his phone that often, I doubt he’s waiting on a text from his mother.
It sounds like he’s keeping his options open, while stringing you along. But, if you’re investing time and energy, you deserve to know whether he sees a future with you. And you deserve to know it before your feelings reach the point of no return.
A year is plenty of time to decide if he wants to take the relationship to the next level. It’s not “rushing him.” It’s refusing to settle for being one of his choices, when you clearly want to be “the choice.”
If you want to know for sure, be honest about your feelings: tell him exactly what you want.
If he feels the same way, he’ll have no problem claiming you before anyone else gets the chance to. If he doesn’t feel the same way, you’re better off parting ways. You don’t want to continue wasting time with someone who doesn’t think you’re worth a commitment.
The longer you stick around and wait, the more your feelings will continue to grow for him – the harder your heart will break if he never decides to commit. And it will be your fault if you continue to ignore the signals that he’s sending.