Q: There is a guy at my new gym who I have been making small talk with for a few weeks. I have been waiting for him to ask me out since we first met. We have spoken a few times in passing, but besides that, he's never made a move. Should I just go ahead and ask him out? Kayla J.
A: Several years before I got married, my friend met a really nice guy who she thought would be a perfect match for me. He was cute, hard-working and Christian. Supposedly, he was interested in me and he was my type.
There was just one problem.
He never asked me out.
I learned from experience that any time I initiated a relationship with a guy, I ended up frustrated. That type of man will be passive in almost every other area of his life.
And if I was the one who initiated the relationship, it set the tone for everything else we would do together. I ended up taking the lead on dates and every other aspect of the relationship. If any planning, calling, arranging or re-arranging were to be done, I was the one who had to do it.
For those reasons, I wanted someone with the guts, manhood, aggression, and backbone to approach me.
Because if he truly was my type, that’s what he would do. My type takes the lead.
If he’s not man enough to dig for this gold, then he’s not man enough for me.
Old School versus New School
To some, that may sound a bit old-fashioned. After all, old school wisdom tells you not to ask him out, because the Bible says “HE that finds a wife…” So you should wait to be found.
New school wisdom says “for the love of equality, go for it.” Because men don’t like rejection, so if you make the first move he’ll be flattered.
I just believe that some of things that our fore-mothers did, or didn’t do, years ago still works today. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way to initiate a relationship, but I know what worked for me.
I believe that men need to drop their pride and pick up the phone. I believe that the more women are willing to do all of “the work,” the more comfortable men become with sitting back with their feet up.
I know some men can be shy and have every right to be afraid of rejection. But the worst that can happen is, she could say ‘no.’
And no man ever died from hearing the word ‘no.’ It’s a part of life that we all endure, from time to time.
However, I see nothing wrong with helping a brother out.
Let me explain.
What’s a girl to do when a guy won’t bust a move?
We could spend all day presenting arguments for old school versus new school, but we don’t have to. Let’s use Biblical references to help us decide.
Before Esther became Queen, she spent 12 months learning how to please the king and applying beauty treatments. She never asked the king if she could be his queen, but she made herself available and she made sure he knew she was interested. She didn’t play hard to get. (Esther 2:12 – 17)
In Ruth 3: 7-10, we see that Ruth did the same thing. At her mother-in-law’s instruction, she took a bath, put on perfume and wore her best dress. Then she uncovered Boaz’s feet while he was sleep. Biblical Jewish culture suggests that she was letting Boaz know that she was available and interested in a new relationship.
In addition to all of that, I recently heard a pastor’s wife say that when she met her husband on a college campus, she simply introduced herself and told him directly: “I’m interested in dating.” She then walked away and never said another word to him. Eventually, he had to muster the strength to initiate a relationship and they’ve been married for over 30 years now.
In each of those examples, we see confident women who were not afraid to be vulnerable. First they took time to prepare themselves, then they made it clear that they were interested.
When you do that, 2 things happen:
- You let him know that if he were to pursue you, he wouldn’t risk rejection, and
- You put the ball in his court and if he doesn’t return it, you’ll know for sure that the feelings aren’t mutual
What more could a brother ask for?
So, when you see a cute, but, shy guy, who you’re interested in, maybe it’s ok nudge him out without doing ALL of the work.
As for the guy who never asked me out? I’m glad he didn’t. Turns out, he wasn’t the guy for me, after all. I'm glad I didn't waste my time and risk the possibility of yet another heartbreak.