Q: I just met a really nice guy through a mutual friend….. We have a lot in common and he has a great job, but there’s one problem. He’s not my type, so I’m not really not attracted to him. I change the subject whenever he starts talking about dating and going out because I don’t want to lead him on. My friends think I’m crazy for not giving him a chance, what do you think? How important is attraction in a relationship? I’m hoping you can answer my question. “Tina”
A. Hey Tina, this is a very good question.
In order to give my best answer, I would like to know
- Is he just not your usual type OR does he repulse you?
- How does he rank on a scale of 1 – 10?
- How do you rank on a scale of 1 – 10?
Those questions will help me to better understand what you’re looking for and what you expect from relationships, and there is no right or wrong answer because we all want what we want. But in a long-term relationship, compatibility, friendship, and spirituality matter more than a certain level of attraction.
Women have somewhat of an unfair advantage over men, in that we can buy anything we want to fix ourselves up. From hair and nails to boobs and bottoms. This advantage, sometimes makes 10’s out of would be 6’s.
Seriously, how many of women would “look the way we look,” without all the extras? Don’t get me wrong, I’m forever grateful to the one who invented mascara. He hooked me up.
But going from a 6 to a 10 is serious business. And with that comes a lot of benefits – like having a guy who’s also a 10 to ask you out. If that’s the case, a girl could get used to that and not want to ever date the 6’s again. And when you’re used to dating 10’s, your standards are raised based on what you think “your type” is.
Unfortunately, most guys, are just guys. They are simple beings who may need a smart woman to come along and help them coordinate their best look. I know that sounds motherly, but think about it this way: it was God who said,
“It’s not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).”
He didn’t really elaborate on what that meant, but I can tell you from experience, it means men could use our help in a lot of areas.
If a beautiful woman suggests how handsome a man would look with a new haircut or nice clothes – the typical guy would be all in. Little things like that can go a long way.
Sometimes, we make them look good just by being on their arms. Have you ever seen an average looking guy who nobody wanted to date UNTIL he got a cute girlfriend? All of a sudden, women start looking at him differently. It’s like his stock immediately goes up.
Not only that, but over time- attraction may fade. Ask any married couple and they’ll tell you that when times get tough –like they are now– how attractive their spouse is or not, is the last thing on their minds. They want someone who is supportive, attentive, and committed to them.
How Important is Attraction in a Relationship?
In short, attraction does matter to a certain extent. You should be able to look at him without wanting to throw up.
However, having a lot in common and having stable employment are equally important, in long-term relationships. Or, at least, it should be enough to get a guy in the door. And after he gets in the door, imagine what he would look like with a new haircut, a style guide, and a woman like you on his arm.
If he’s not repulsive, I suggest at least going out with him to get to know him. IF by the end of 2 or 3 dates, you still can’t get over whatever he’s missing, then you should probably move on. But not without giving him a fair chance. Whatever you do, don’t waste his time.