Q. My friend introduced me to her cousin and we’ve been together for six months. So far, he has proved himself to be a very God fearing guy, caring, and has showed much interest in marrying me. Three months ago, he told me He had one daughter.
But a few weeks ago while we were talking, he accidentally slipped and said he has two daughters. After pushing further, I found out that he has two daughters AND an EX wife that he never planned on telling me about. I asked his cousin why she didn’t tell me, and she said she had no idea. I’m very confused right now and I don’t know what to do. ~Naomi
A. Dear “Naomi,” having kids and an ex-wife isn’t a crime.
But lying about it is—OR it should be if you’re planning to get married. I mean, kids are a BIG, life-changing deal.
The mere fact that you don’t know what to do implies that you’re still considering a future with this guy.
And I get it.
After spending time with him, your heart gets attached and you can’t help but catch feelings. It’s the natural thing to do. However, you caught feelings for someone who was willing to live a lie in order to be with you….hmmmmk.
Rather than talk you out of it, I’ll give you a few things to consider before making a decision.
- Marriage is built on a foundation of honesty and trust. If he lied to you about a major part of his life, it’s possible that he’ll lie about anything. And if you start a relationship off with lies, it’s impossible for it to grow in the right direction. You’ll always be wondering what else is he lying about. Would you ever be able to trust him?
- What type of man is willing to ignore his children in exchange for love from a woman? There’s absolutely nothing more sexy than a man who loves his kids and takes responsibility for them. There’s also nothing scarier than a man who would pretend they don’t exist. That speaks to his character. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt by saying he was embarrassed about having two kids and he thought lying would increase his chances of being with you. Obviously, he considers his ex-wife and at least one of his children to be baggage that would keep him from getting married again. This could work for two people who are casually dating. But when you start talking about marriage, honesty is a must!
- Not only did he lie about the kids and an ex-wife, he never planned to tell you. Out of all the red flags I counted, this is probably the biggest one. How is it even possible to hide a whole child during marriage, especially if you are not hiding the other one? Not only that, he was able to hide it from his family too. In order to be a successful hider, he would have to:
Only spend time with one of his children (while you were present)
Only financially support one of them
OR sneak around with both of them behind your back
OR do none of the above, forever.
Neither of those scenarios make him an ideal father.
4. If he isn’t an ideal father to his children, how can he be an ideal father to your (future) children? Again, this doesn’t have to be a big deal if you are casually dating. But the fact that you were talking about marriage with someone who has no problem hiding his past, raises red flags.