“Who is he? Where is he? God when will it be my turn?”
If you find yourself asking these questions every time you pray, you are not alone.
You are a great catch, but somehow love manages to slip through your fingers, again and again. After all, you’re a hardworking, independent woman. Your mother thinks you are beautiful and your best friend says you have a great sense of humor.
So it’s hard to imagine what could possibly be wrong with you to the extent that you can’t get the right man to put a ring on it.
If you’re still wondering how you wound up in this dilemma, here are some possible answers.
1. You have yet to become what you are looking for. On the mission to find love, women are told over and over again to come up with a list of deal-breakers that any man approaching their throne should bring to the table.
There’s nothing wrong with setting standards for the man you will spend the rest of your life with, but don’t forget that your (future) boo has a list too. The tall, sexy guy with lots of money in the bank is probably not gonna settle.
I’ve heard some women say: “If I could do it all for myself, why would I need a man?”
And the answer is simple: You attract what you are.
Like-minded people are drawn to each other.
Don’t believe me?
Look at the five people you spend most of your time with and think about the morals you have in common; where you spend your downtime; and how you spend your money.
Can two people walk together if they are not on the same page? (Amos 3:3 paraphrased)
You don’t necessarily have to be rich to attract a rich man, but a poverty mentality will only attract more poverty to you.
And Insecurity and self-esteem issues will only attract more of the same to you. Because only an insecure woman who is already broken would allow a demeaning, insecure man into her life.
As you look at your list of physical, financial, mental and spiritual must-haves, ask yourself “am I all of that?” How do I really feel about myself? What have I been willing to tolerate and why?
2. You are capable of helping a man change into the man that God wants him to be, BUT you aren’t willing to change.
“That’s just the way I am. I’ve always been this way. I’m just me and I don’t care who does not like it: I won’t change for anyone!”
Most women use those words as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from anyone who they think will reject them.
Jesus Christ is the only one who is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8); everyone else has lots of room for improvement. When there is room for improvement, be open to change.
If there’s one thing I learned from being married it’s this:
Marriage equates to change and change equals growth!
That’s right. If you want to be happily married, you must surrender to living a life where you are constantly evolving. You don’t have to have it all together in order to get married, but you do have to be open to changing for the better.
Because no one is perfect.
God intentionally puts people in your life who reflect those areas where you need to adjust. You’re gonna meet people who challenge your way of thinking; your way of doing things; and your way of living.
Unless you’re already perfect, be willing to change.
There is a new and improved version of you waiting on the other side of change.
3. You have unrealistic expectations. This is where princess movies and soap operas have failed us. They show us the fantasy of being swept off our feet and falling deeply in love, but they don’t show us how to live happily ever after.
That’s because happily ever after requires work and work is not always sexy. If marriage starts with love, it ends with work.
Sometimes you have to work on actually communicating instead of expecting Prince Charming to read your mind.
Sometimes you have to work on forgiving his imperfections and loving him in spite of the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up. (That may sound petty in the beginning, but if you have to live with it day in and day out, it can get annoying.)
Other times, you may have to work on being satisfied with an ordinary life in the slow lane; because getting dressed up and going to the royal ball may only happen once in a while. In the meantime, there will be bills to pay, floors to vacuum and children to feed.
Life happens every day. And when it does, your prince will want to know that you’re in it for the long haul – not just when the sun is shining on your castle.
4. You want to get married for the wrong reasons. If you think that marriage will make you happy and solve all of your problems, you’re in for a huge awakening. Many people walk down the aisle thinking that marriage is a cure-all.
But it isn’t.
It won’t raise your self-esteem and it won’t make you feel worthy. If you aren’t all those things before you walk down the aisle, you still won’t be any of those things after you get a ring.
Once the initial ooey, gooey feelings of love wear off, you’ll be the same miserable, depressed, insecure person you were before marriage. The only difference will be that you’ll have someone to share your misery with.
Because when we are unhappy we have a way of making the people closest to us suffer right along with us. Negativity oozes out of us and spills on everyone that we come in contact with.
So to expect a man to give you life is to expect him to be your God.
In the end, marriage is about giving to someone else that which you would give to yourself. However, it’s impossible to give what you don’t have. If you don’t already love yourself, you can’t love someone else.
5. You don’t understand what men want. Ladies, let’s face it. It’s the 21st century and the modern woman has emerged stronger than ever. Unfortunately, the modern man still expects a bit more traditionalism than she wants to give.
Though you are an accomplished career woman, your man still wants to be nurtured, affirmed and loved when you come home.
The average man knows what he’s looking for and if you don’t fit the bill, he’ll eventually move on without so much as giving you an earring, not to mention an engagement ring.
After a few dates, he knows whether he should take you home to meet his momma or not.
He knows that if you’re too lazy or prideful to take care of him, you may not take care of his (future) kids.
He knows if you’re the type of girl he can relax and have a good time with from the frequency of your judging, nagging and complaining.
He knows that if you are not happy with yourself, you will never be happy with him.
6. You don’t trust God – the ultimate match maker. Here is where controversy begins. Some people believe in soul mates and others do not. Some believe they should go out and find the “perfect” person to marry while others believe they should wait on God to send that person to them.
Throughout scripture, there are plenty of examples of arranged marriages. Many fathers went out and found wives for their sons.
In the modern world where most adults no longer live with their parents while waiting to start their own families, it’s not so practical for fathers to do matchmaking.
But as Christians, we can trust our heavenly Father with every area of our lives.
If God cares about the sparrow, why wouldn’t he care to be involved in the biggest, most important, life-changing decision we could ever make?
Surely we are more valuable than the birds (Matthew 10:29).
The mere fact that He’s taken the time to count the hairs on our head says that he’s into us (Luke 12:7). And if He’s into us, wouldn’t He know who’s best for us to marry?
I would think so. But the problem is, He doesn’t always reveal His plans when we think we’re ready. So we start to think that He’s fallen asleep on the job. The next natural thing for us to do is to try and help Him out.
And that is a good indication that we don’t fully trust Him.
Because when you fully trust someone, you get in the passenger side of the car, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. You don’t have to keep asking “are we there yet?”
You know that they will do what they say they will do— at the right time. You know that they have your best interest at heart.
7. You’re fishing for salmon in a catfish lake. A few years ago, a friend of mine went fishing in a lake. He could barely wait to get home, clean the fish and fry them up. So imagine his disappointment when he starts cleaning the first fish and he finds a condom inside. Yes, you read that right. The catfish had eaten a condom.
The moral of the story is: you want a tall, handsome, financially-secure man who is God-fearing, husband material and ready to settle down. But you’re looking for him in the night clubs, bars or events where most of those men are only looking to creep—not commit.
That’s like a fishing for salmon in a freshwater lake. Salmon mostly hang out in salt water eating smaller fish and plants.
Catfish live in freshwater and they are bottom feeders. They’ll eat anything that will sink to the bottom of a lake – from hot dogs to condoms.
Different classes of men will behave differently. They have different expectations from women. They spend their downtime differently and they have different agendas.
The Committer will want to know if he can take you out to get to know you better. And the Creeper will want to know if he come to your house to Netflix and chill.
If you desperately want to be loved, you will accept anything that closely resembles a relationship. Because you’re thinking that if you give him what he wants, he’ll eventually give you what you want.
No fisherman, in his right mind, will ever go to a freshwater lake expecting to catch salmon. It just doesn’t happen.
I don’t care how long you hope, wait and pray, a creeper will remain a creeper until he is ready to change into something different. And chances are,
He won’t change for you if you’re already giving him what he wants.
8. You’re way too aggressive. You call him and ask him out. You plan dates and you pay for them. You don’t allow him to show interest or appreciation on any level.
You don’t give him a chance to be a dude and do dude things.
He has nothing invested in the relationship because you do all the work. Therefore it’s easy for him to take the relationship for granted and move on after he gets bored.
Most of the time aggression is about control. You want to control the outcome of every situation because you’re afraid that if you don’t, you’ll get hurt. You’re afraid of letting go.
And some women have a way of hiding their vulnerability behind a strong, independent, leadership persona – which is great on the job. But when you want a man to crown you, it’s dude repellent. Because men are drawn to the softer side of you that makes you feminine.
If you make it too easy for him to be in a relationship with you, you will eventually scare him away or bore him to tears.
And though most guys will tell you that they love the attention and they love knowing without a doubt that you’re into them, they will soon get tired of being your girl.
Subconsciously they will know that something is missing but may not always be able to identify it.
So yes, it’s ok to let him know that you’re interested, but NOT ok to hunt, kill and drag him back to your place.
Because the number one standard you should set for all guys that you date is:
They have to really want to be with you.
And you’ll never know that if you do ALL the work.
9. You have more baggage than a cargo plane. You’ve been rejected, neglected, used and abused either as a child or in a past relationship. Maybe both.
But instead of taking the time to properly heal, you figure it’s easier to date again. And again. And again.
You jump from relationship to relationship hoping that somebody will eventually take your mind off your pain.
Welp, I have to be the one to tell you that being in a relationship with a hole in your heart will only make the hole bigger for you and the poor guy you’re with.
Here you have two wounded people who are so toxic that they end up killing each other (mentally and spiritually) before they move on to their next victims.
Because we give what we have. So if you have hurt, pain and abuse – you’re probably giving and receiving it, over and over again, in some form or another.
Before you kill anyone else, it’s past time for you to sit back, relax and identify your problems.
Give God a chance to heal you totally.
10. Lastly, it’s simply not in God’s timing, yet. If you have a desire to get married and you’re still breathing, it’s not too late for you. Don’t give up hope.
Delight yourself in Him and he’ll give you the desires of your heart.
All things are possible to him that believes.
God knows what’s best for you and when you’ll be ready to receive it.