Q. I don’t want to seem desperate but sometimes I cry myself to sleep wondering why I’m still single. Most of my friends and family are in relationships and it’s hard to be around them. I skipped my class reunion a few years ago because I didn’t want to see my class mates. It seems as though most of them are married with kids and happy families and I’m tired of getting asked about my personal life. It’s embarrassing to say that I’ve never been married and I don’t have any kids. I’ve done everything I can to find a husband and get married. Nothing is working.
A. Dear Anon, I have to say that I know exactly how you feel. There was a point in my life when I didn’t think I would get married, but do you know what? There also came a point when I didn’t care. I had gone through one bad relationship too many to EVER do it again. My prayer was: if God wanted me to get married, He would have to orchestrate it because I wasn’t lifting a finger. And that’s when the miracle happened–I’ll have to tell you more about that later.
But, in the meantime, I never stopped living. I continued to do all the things I wanted to do without the embarrassment of being alone. If I wanted to go to a party or out to dinner, I went!
And I hope you’ll consider doing the same.
In 2005, singer India Arie released a song with these lyrics:
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within
She was tired of being judged based on her physical appearance. India’s “anthem” reminds everyone that there’s more to her than what they can see. To her lyrics, I’d like to add: you are not your relationship status! You are more than a lady in waiting. So stop waiting and start living.
Be careful that marriage isn’t the only reason you have to live. If that’s the case, you may be making it an idol. Marriage can become an idol if:
- Your social life revolves around your status. You shouldn’t be skipping events because you’re ashamed to be alone. Yes, married people are everywhere, but single people are too. What if there are single men, who want to meet you, at these events that you decide to skip? Hold your head up high, and walk in with confidence in who you are. Your relationship status does not define you!
If you’re not truly living, you’re merely waiting to die.
- You think of marriage day and night. If the majority of your thoughts are consumed with “what’s it like to be married,” “when will I get married,” “who will I marry,” you’re not really focused on being all that you can be. You should be pursuing purpose, passion, and life while you can. In case you haven’t heard, marriage can limit you in those areas. Now is the time to live life to the fullest.
- You’re jealous of other people’s relationships. Be happy for the people who have found love. If God did it for them, He most certainly can do it for you. There is a reason that you’re in this season. It’s your job to seek God to find out why you’re single at this phase of your life. Don’t make the mistake of comparing yourself to others, but find peace and comfort in knowing that your heavenly father wants the best for you.
If any of those apply to you, don’t feel bad because you can create a new normal. Instead of focusing on your status, focus on the person that you are underneath your hair, skin, and relationship status. Put your attention on God’s promises to you and start living today:
- All things are possible, if you believe (Mark 9:23).
- He will perfect those things that concern you (Psalm 138:8).
- He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above anything you can ask or think about asking (Ephesians 3:20).